Mommy Guilt Part 1...
I'm not in a good mental state today. Just gonna put it out there. On Tuesday I was in dire need of going to the store. We had zero food. I'm talking I made a totally bizarre lunch for the girls out of whatever we had in the house. My sister was in a jam so her kids came over for part of the day (and took part in the bizarre lunch) so she could work. I didn't get around to actually making my list and figuring out my coupons (yes, I'm still doing it! Woohoo!) until around 9:15pm. I figured, I'm alone, I can be quick, I'll go now because I don't want to leave my sitter tomorrow with no food and milk. At the store they were in the middle of switching over from one week's specials to the next, so everything that I thought was on sale already had their tags ripped off. It took my absolutely forever to figure out sizes of things, etc. Didn't get home until almost 10:45, put the groceries away, made Summer's lunch, laid out outfits, tried to straighten up, etc. Went to bed after 12. Got up at 4:03 yesterday, left the house by 4:30ish, got to work by 5:15am, worked like a mad woman and clocked out at 10:20pm. Got home by 11:15pm, was utterly famished so I ate something (somehow I go to the store and buy all of this food and then I realize it is all for the kids and it is nothing that I really ever want to eat. I can only have so much yogurt and goldfish), signed Summer up for lacrosse (another psychotic move on my part), caught up with my celebrity gossip, went to bed and didn't fall asleep until probably 1:30ish. Matt had to get up 6:15, so I woke up then and couldn't go back to sleep. Jumped in the shower, attempted to cover the dark circles under my eyes, and got ready for the chaos of the day. I don't know what it is, but my kids can behave like angels for other people... and the minute I walk in they are whiny, crying, clingy, etc. I can't even tell you the number of times I have heard, "They weren't like this at all until now." I know it is a mommy thing, but I am exhausted, my house is a wreck, I discovered about 132098 more stains on my rug, and I am getting really sick of coffee. I always think back to when I was in nursing school and pregnant every single semester, and I'm like... I did that. How can I not do normal life? I had excuses then. It was a short-term period. It wouldn't last forever. I could get through it. Now? There is no end to this. This is life. This is day in, day out, nonstop madness. It is good madness, but it is madness. I always thought working part-time would be perfect. Just enough to get out of the house but not enough to feel super guilty. Welp, I was wrong. I have found that for me, working part-time means I am pulled nonstop in both directions, feeling guilty on both ends. I don't have excuses. More to come on this subject at another time. For now, I need to go pick up the entire load of clean laundry that Olivia threw over the balcony into the family room, take the dog out for the 7th time this morning because she is determined to drive me insane, and go do everything I have to do. I wanted to pull my hair out... and then Layla just called me her best friend... I think today will be okay.
Posted by steph