So I have been pretty unhappy at work for a while. Without going into too much detail... you know the work environment is bad when you would rather spend time with inmates than some of your bosses and co-workers. In addition to dealing with a soul-sucking environment, more hours than I wanted to work, a long commute, and the stress of figuring out childcare... I have been having a really hard time with the age-old mommy guilt. Summer has definitely been taking it the hardest. Her comments like, "Mommy I feel like I never see you anymore," "It isn't like it used to be," "Why do you have to work, why can't you stay home with us," were just daggers. I felt like whenever I was home I was just cleaning up after everyone, trying to plan for the next day, running errands, etc. I was constantly pulled in every direction at all times, and I was burning the candle at both ends. Someone always needed me, and I was headed for a mental breakdown. Okay I lied. I actually did have several mental breakdowns.
Last Thursday, something happened at work that was my tipping point. When I got home after a ridiculously exhausting day, Matt and I had a long talk. Pretty much... our girls, my happiness/sanity, our relationship... these things are far more important than extra money. I never felt like we were settled, like this was real life. I kept waiting for it to feel like a routine but it never even came close. I mean, I know crazy. I had two kids within nursing school. This just didn't have an end in sight like those years did.
My girls are only going to be young for a nanosecond. I'm devastated that the summer is already essentially over. All I can do from now on is be super present, give them the best possible childhood I can, and love them to pieces. Now I know I am being hard on myself. When you are that crazed and busy, something is always going to suffer... but I was determined it would never be my girls. I would much rather have a messy house, mountains of laundry, super-quick dinners, or no sleep than for them to feel the mania in any way. They are happy and good... I just want the absolute best for them.
Now from past experience, staying home with them is about 1023898 times harder than going to work for me. I had tasks at work, I knew what I was doing, I was successful. At home I constantly feel like a failure, I have no idea what I am doing, I am exhausted and my patience wears thin... But it is so worth it. I know this is exactly what is best for my family right now, and so this is what I'm going to do. I am still going to stay 'as needed' for work to stay in it. I love being a nurse and I don't regret going back to school for it at all. I just know that my girls need me right now so I choose them... and I also realize how fortunate I am to be able to make the choice to stay home. Matt is the most supportive, fantabulous, amazeballs hubby in the universe who will go to the ends of the earth to make all of his girls happy. I don't know how I ended up so lucky.
To finish up this introspective, not funny post, I will leave you with a few of my fav pics from the last week.
1. A selfie I discovered on my phone last weekend. Clearly someone got into my makeup: